Worrying is something I do from time to time. It’s not pleasant. Turning the same thing over in my mind again and again. Extrapolating the what-if’s. Sometimes my stomach getting into knots. A defensive option would be to stop caring, but that doesn’t seem correct. So I began wondering, is worrying good or not?
I’m not a psychiatrist or counselor. But here is what I’ve figured that makes sense to me. I think worrying has two outcomes:
The Constructive Coach
As I recently got back into the gym for exercise, I hired a personal trainer to coach me for a few weeks. My goal was to learn a good balance of exercise types, good form, and whatever else I could glean. It was successful. The trainer helped me to get better at exercising. Part of that “getting better” was to challenge me to push harder, to do more than I thought I could. So one of the biggest insights from that experience was to push beyond the normal stuff, to go further. It was in that “beyond” that I could move from maintaining to gaining. It was more than I would typically do. And then when I did reach the point of “I really can’t do more one rep” he would say “OK, good job, now let’s take a rest”.
I think this is the beneficial role of worrying: to have a coach that challenges us to do more. So when I’m lying awake in bed when I should be sleeping, don’t let it be a mental gear-grinding experience. I ask myself the question: “so what should I learn from this and what more should I be doing?” Worry is the coach that is teaching me a lesson from my shortcomings, and challenging me to figure out what additional things I should be doing. To dig deep and think about what I haven’t tried or previously thought of. Then when I do discover something I can do to address the worry, do it. And then when I’ve done all that I can think to do, take a rest and let it go. All that anyone can ask of you is to do your best. Do not compare your best to someone else’s best, we are all in different places.
The role of the coach is constructive, to help yourself become the best you, and to make the most of your opportunities. It usually involves lots of work to make things better. It is a load that teaches and strengthens.
The Constant Critic
We’ve probably all been around someone who was a constant critic. In their view, nothing is ever good enough, and nobody is ever good enough. The world is only about what’s wrong.
A role of the constant critic is destructive, always tearing down. It usually involves lots of words which ultimately are empty, and no work to make things better. And those words are usually not based in a full reality, just a partial view or assumptions. The constant critic impairs you from taking action or improving. It’s almost like they want to make you miserable, to paralyze you into inaction, often based on incomplete information. It is a load that only slows you down.
So what do we do with constant critics? Do we pull up a chair, invite them into our house, and commiserate? No. I think step 1 is to testify to them of the good things. It usually is in the tough times that strength is gained. Shining a light will make things look less dark. I think step 2 is to kick them to the curb. If all they are going to be is destructive, then they do not have your best interests at heart, and they don’t belong in your brain or consuming your time. Let them go and don’t look back. Again, if you’ve really done your best, that is enough and all anyone can ask of you. Nobody is perfect.
I really like this quote from Teddy Roosevelt. Strive.
Conclusion
So as worry becomes a load upon you, sort it into the coach and the critic. Focus on the coach, figure out what additional work the coach is challenging you to do, and how you can get better at it, and then do it. And ignore the critic, haters gonna hate.
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